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WEARING THE WHITE CARNATION

5/8/2013

12 Comments

 
Picture
Remember Mother’s Day at church when I was a little girl about four? 
I walked up the steps in front of you 
stopping before the smiling lady with a basket of red and white flowers. 
“There is an old tradition of wearing red or white carnations
to honor our mothers on Mother’s day:
wearing red if our mother is living;
white if she is not.
Is your mother living, honey, or has she passed on?
She knew.
I looked up at you standing behind me, 
a gentle expression of love on your face.
I turned back to the lady and smiled. 
“She’s living.” 
But as I reached into the basket and selected a red flower, 
a tiny bit of terror lurked in the back corner of my heart. 
I stood very still 
while you pinned my bright red carnation to the shoulder of my dress.
 
During the service I looked around, 
noticing who wore red flowers and who had white ones. 
I bent to sniff the spiciness of the carnation 
and carefully fingered its soft petals. 
Then I reached out and caressed your familiar hand,
thankful for my mother, 
that you were still alive.
  
In those early years, 
nothing seemed darker, 
more frightening
than being without a mother.
But as time went on and I grew less dependent, 
the horror of being left alone dimmed. 
I was big enough to move away from you, 
to take care of myself, 
and later to marry and become a mother, 
caring for children of my own. 
But you always remained precious to me. 
Others listen to my tales of joy and woe, 
and I find contentment in their attention, 
but no one has ever had a deeper interest in my life, 
a more genuine concern for my welfare than you.
 
This year, 
if we were to pass out flowers in our little church, 
I would take my first white carnation.
The sign of loss. 
I wonder if I would cry
or bravely hold back the tears.
Writing here in the privacy of my home, 
it is safe to feel the loss,
the emptiness you left behind. 
To think again of the debt I owe you. 
To be thankful for the loving imprint you made upon my life.
 
This year I understand more 
about the people who must wear the white carnation. 
So I have written this for them, too. 
For all of us who have that empty place of honor 
that no one else can fill.
We take the white carnation and say, 
“Mommy, I still love you.”
 
Written on May 7, 2013 by Arlene Ussery
Dedicated to my sister and brother, my niece and nephew 
who also, this year, first take the white carnation

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12 Comments
Rachel link
5/8/2013 06:51:01 am

What a beautiful story...I cried. Love to all who will take the white carnation for the first time or who have been taking it for a long time. A mother's love never dies, even when she is gone.

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Marti Kowal
5/8/2013 08:25:22 am

Arlene this poem is beautiful. My Father always got us carnations for Mothers' Day.

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marcia morphew
5/9/2013 12:09:16 am

Beautiful.....I, too, remember the red/white carnation tradition. I'm thankful that they don't do it anymore.....it would be hard to put on that white carnation. It's been 40 years....but Mother's Day is still hard every year.....

Reply
Arlene Ussery
5/9/2013 01:54:06 am

Thanks for sharing, Marcia. Be sure to see my comment below.

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Forest Yoder
5/9/2013 01:48:30 am

I would have started wearing the white carnation in 1996 but mom's influence is daily evident, with thanks to God.

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Arlene Ussery
5/9/2013 01:53:10 am

At first I was surprised that people who have lost their mothers left no comments on this blog. Then I got a comment on Facebook and Macia's here. Both women expressed a lingering sadness. Perhaps these people really like the poem, understand it, but find it too hard to find words to express their feelings. Maybe it seems too private. .Maybe too tender. Then too, In the USA we tend not to speak of the hidden pain of loss, especially after a significant time has passed. Might it be good to share our sadness even if it stirs the hurt? WHAT DO YOU THINK?

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Janell Swearingen
5/11/2013 05:58:03 am

Arlene, this message really spoke to me! I lost my mother many years ago - and lost my oldest sister in late November (she was 'my other mother'...12 years older) and after my Mother passed away, she became the matriarch of the family! She only had one daughter and she is really struggling...Please remember her in prayer (Bryn). It was SO good to visit w/you at Journey East! I look forward to reading your blog.

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Dave Gromofsky
5/12/2013 01:00:24 am

I thought I left a comment once, but I dont see it. Great poem, never new of that tradition. Reflecting on this, I think after loosing my mom this year also I would pick the Red one. She now is more alive than ever with the lord, and everything that reminds us of lessens passed on to us in our every day lives. My dads been gone for 20+ years and not to many days go by that I don't still think of him. "Your gonna miss me when I'm gone" are words that haunt me every day.

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Arlene Ussery
5/13/2013 12:30:41 am

Thank you for your comment, Dave. In reading the comments here as well as responses on Facebook or to my email address, I am amazed at the various ways people process the loss of their mother. Each of us sees and feels our loss differently. Resolution comes as we make sense out of what we have been given in life. For me, after this process of sharing my experience with others through the poem, wearing the white carnation yesterday brought a sense of completion, feeling a bit as if by wearing white I was giving my mother a crown of glory in exchange for the red crown of sacrifice. But your view is another way of resolving loss with joy. Isn't that wonderful?
Those I grieve for are the ones whose mothers created a tangle of major unresolved hurts for their children. Theirs is a sadder grief that will not be resolved by wearing either a white or red carnation. In our joy or in our pain of loss, those of us who were given the blessing of a loving mother need to be praying for those who suffer a loss of a different and even more profound kind.

Sharon link
5/9/2013 07:39:36 am

I loved this essay. My mother is still living at 82. I hope to spend the day with her tomorrow. You are SO right that our friends listen patiently to our woes and joys, but mothers have a very deep interest in our welfare. Thank goodness that when our mothers pass to heaven, God continues to be with us, and his interest in our welfare is deeper still.

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Sharon Tschetter
5/13/2013 09:59:18 am

This beautiful piece also makes me cry. I am so surprised when in my daily life, I still automatically think "Gotta tell Mom" when something happens, I'm going somewhere or coming back, our children have an event or sometimes when I need her to help me remember. It's been twenty years and it still happens often. I also miss your mother. She was very influential in my life. I loved her and drew from her beauty and wisdom. I think of both your parents often and I'm sad when I remember that I won't see them again until I'm in heaven.

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Arlene Ussery
5/13/2013 10:15:33 am

In the days since I posted this, I made a new discovery about myself. The day I described in WEARING THE WHITE CARNATION was significant in my life because it was the day I first realized that mothers could die.

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    Author/Speaker

    Arlene Pinkley Ussery shares insights and research concerning  the power of the story to change values of individuals and societies. Relying on research, she shows how good literature improves readers relationships, mental, emotional, and spiritual health.  From her experience of living in Israel and studying the Bible, history, and culture, she deepens readers understanding of Biblical times. Her stories challenge and comfort.

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